Utterly Grateful

I might not ever know what it is like to have a daughter. I might not ever know what it's like to do adrenaline junkie type of things like skydiving or bungee jumping. I will never know what it is like to get drunk on my 21st birthday and act crazy and careless. I have left many friends behind and I'll never know what "could have been" with them. I will never know what going to a 4-year college is like. I'll never experience my 20's "kid free". I may never again be able to just drop everything and run out with the girls for a night of mayhem.

There are many things I may never get to experience but what I am experiencing is so much better than any of that.

Being a mother to two little boys and a wife to one amazing man, I believe, was my calling in life. Some people are born meant to be celebrities, doctors, lawyers or scientists. But I believe when God created me, he created me with Chris, Peyton and Jackson in mind. I went through rough times during my teens, I hated the world and left destruction in my path wherever I went. I was confused, I was angry, I was sad, I was scared. But then this beautiful light came in to my life and all the b.s. stopped being important. When I met Chris and realized that he was "the one", the anger started to fade. The sadness was no longer a constant companion, it was a temporary visitor. I was no longer confused about life because it finally had a purpose. I was less scared than I had been in a long time. When Chris looked at me, I knew I was loved. I can only pray he feels the same when I look back at him because his love gave me the purpose I was searching for in life.

After Chris came Peyton and the anger was completely gone. The sadness was a distant memory. I finally felt CLARITY instead of CONFUSION. Instead of being scared, I was facing life head on because there was someone who I needed to be brave for. I was raised in a home where God came first above everything else but I never really "got" that until I stared in to the most perfect blue eyes on an 8 lbs 11 oz frame that ever graced this earth. As a mother, I've never felt closer to God than the instant(s) I held my own personal gifts from him. Peyton, my beautiful baby boy who came in to this world not screaming and crying like other babies, he looked around and instantly was fascinated. He didn't cry. He didn't squirm. He was happy to be alive and in new surroundings. He was just interested in all things around him. This "Bubba" as I had named him during his first sonogram, became my best friend. Me and Chris's love had multiplied and we created something special.

Four years later, my other gift from God was given. Jackson came in to this world completely different than Peyton did. Screaming and letting everyone know he was here! It took a day and a half of labor before he decided to make his appearance, but every second of that wait was worth the extraordinary human being that had descended on our family. When I look at him, I can't help but smile. When he's naughty, it's hard to punish him because he flashes his dimples and the entire world seems right. Being around Jax is exciting and inspiring at the same time. I want to learn more to teach him more.

I feel loved when I am around them. I feel happiness pouring out of me. I feel joy when they accomplish something that they've been working so hard on. I am PROUD to be their mother. I am PROUD to be Chris's wife. I found my purpose in life and I'm no longer scared of what is to come, because I know that God is with me and that he sent three angels to watch over me constantly. Nothing else matters in life than my three boys. I don't need to experience daughters, sky-diving, bungee jumping, binge drinking or mayhem. I need to be home with the loves of my life.